Facebook meets Jarvis: What could go wrong?

Mark Zuckerberg is programming his own AI butler to let his friends into the house using facial recognition and other smart home stuff. But that’s only scratching the surface…

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Way ahead of you, Mark: We painstakingly modified GKW's machine to make a Jarvis for Zuckerberg

When Facebook boss Mark Zuckerberg recently announced his intention to create an artificial intelligence-driven personal butler “like Jarvis from Iron Man”, #GNTECH got its thinking cap on. Instead of the mundane-sounding tasks the billionaire said his FaceJarvis would take care of – using facial recognition to let friends into his home, controlling music, temperature and lighting, work stuff, etc. – what else could this brain be capable of? We let our imagination run wild…

Buying the next Uber

Mark’s a busy man. He’s got places to be, people to see. Anyway, for him buying an exciting young start-up and retooling it to mine people’s nose-picking habits to sell to advertisers is like the rest of us buying an overpriced Coca-Cola at a swanky Dubai nightspot — we know we’re paying over the odds, but how else do we fit in?

So, FaceJarvis will analyse a fresh-faced company’s website, matching its proposed world-changing product concept (“It’s Uber for emoji stickers”, says one tech journo) against projected revenue growth and – of course – speed of Like acquisitions and growth in share rate before automatically authorising the payment. In a San Francisco coffee shop far, far away, a bearded CEO’s iPhone will ping with a text message from the bank: “Dear customer, $10 million [Dh36.7 million] has been deposited in your account”, shortly before WhatsApp crashes his device following congratulatory message overload. “You have 800 messages from 43 people” will be the last thing he sees.

Legal battles

That pesky European Court of Justice with its bleeding-heart do-gooder liberal ideals. How can it accuse a company that only seeks to “make the world more open and connected” of passing data and violating user privacy? For the greater good of mankind and in the interests of defending freedom, FaceJarvis will compile a series of loopholes in these archaic rulings into a report, before feeding them straight into a statement that will be automatically forwarded to the world’s media. He will also develop a sound CSR campaign to refocus attention to what really matters: that Facebook is helping the world be a better place.

Who needs a press officer in 2016? Not Mark Zuckerberg.

Predictive Facebook Messenger

Do you know the feeling when you’ve messaged someone asking for help on something and they don’t reply even though you can see they’ve read it? This may be a daily occurrence for #GNTECH, but we’re the ignorees. Not the ignorers. Being a 31-year-old billionaire, it doesn’t take a Tony Stark level of genius to figure out what side of the fence the Zuckerberg sits on.

But FaceJarvis is here to help. Based on his friends’ and family’s user behaviour, the butler will pre-emptively let Mark know the people who are likely to message him on any given day, as well as a prediction of their message based on content and tone and, finally, a recommended course of action. For example:

#GNTECH. Silly. Ignore.”

Facebook has been contacted for comment*.

*No, it hasn’t been.